Yesterday a friend of mine took the afternoon off work to take me out to do some much needed retail therapy, to begin with I felt slightly anxious about being out as the last time I actually went out was the 2ND February to go to a 21st party and that didn't go well.

We took 2 portable oxygen tanks with us to be on the safe side, i got in my chair and off we headed towards the kings road. Once out I felt more relaxed about things which made me feel so much better. We went into scribbler as they do the best cards and I picked up a mothers day one and we had a little giggle at the naughty ones, then onto accessorize (which has a huge step and the shop assistants aren't at all helpful) and looked at all the gorgeous sequined bags they have, then onto boots where I picked up some mascara, then it was on to the big shop... one of the reason's we went out, to go into Mac and spend lots of money on lots of new make-up, I got some new foundation and blusher which was quite expensive but hey a girls allowed to treat herself. I got my mum a box hat full of pink bath bombs and soaps from lush as a mother's day present as she loves everything in that shop, then we headed to Starbucks for a drink. I had a cappuccino and a blue berry swirl cheese cake which was rather yummy and Natalie had a lemon drizzle cupcake, we had a good chat about things and when we looked at the time it was 5 o'clock so we decided to head back to the hospital as Natalie's boyfriend Scott was meeting us and we were all going to get dinner together. I had fish and chips, we did a search on the net and in the whole of Chelsea there is only ONE chip shop!! I had a really lovely time out with Nat, I was shattered at the end of it - went to bed at 9.20.

My blueberry swirl cheese cake.

I'd say I was the type of person who can pick themselves up when they feel down and make the best of a bad situation. If I'm feeling sad about anything I usually put my i-pod on and listen to something that will make me smile - Mcfly does the trick, but today is just one of those days where things feel a bit too much. Everyday in here is the same, the same faces, the same routine, everything is done by the clock it's all just very much the same every single day, it's like ground hog day in here. I miss my life, I miss being able to just nip to the shop to buy some make-up, I miss driving to my boyfriends for a cup of tea, I miss going to the cinema, going out for dinner, going out for drinks with the girls.. I miss being independent.

I look forward to the day when I can just walk out of the door, wind in my hair, smile on my face.. freedom.

Since Friday things have definitely improved thanks to the new antibiotics I've been on and the amount of physio and exercise I have been doing, hard work has really paid off. My inflammation markers are now down to the 30's which is amazing and I have finally come off the breas in the day. The Dr's seem very pleased with me and I am pleased with myself. There is talk walking outside next week and possibly a night at home that weekend too!.

Friday 16th

From the moment I woke up on Friday morning I was having trouble breathing, I had an awful pain going through my right lung, my whole chest felt tight, I couldn't speak whole sentences as I was too breathless and my secretions were too thick to bring up which meant clearing my chest was impossible. I had an x-ray done and it showed that my entire right lung was blocked with thick mucus, my inflammation markers had risen from 70's to 170, I was having high temperatures of 38.2, I felt awful. Every movement I made, every position I tried to get myself into felt so uncomfortable it was really frustrating.

Later in the afternoon the dr came around and said she was very worried about me and that I have been growing another bug aswell as the one I already grow and that she was putting me on some very powerful drugs to try and combat this infection as well as she could. She wrote me up for more antibiotics - both oral and IV, some more nebulisers to help to thin and losen the mucus, some fluids to rehydrate me and she told me that I may come to the point where I am needing to use my breas 24 hours a day from now on as I am very poorly. I asked if I was going to die and she said she didn't think so but she couldn't say for sure as she really didn't know. I know I shouldn't have asked because it really didn't make me feel better but I just thought I'd like to know.

Things didn't improve much through-out the day but the physios wrote me up for a strict schedule to help clear all the thick stuff plugging my chest - my day goes like this..

9.00 am - dnase nebuliser
9.45 am - salbutamol nebuliser
10.00 am - physio
11.00 am - antibiotic nebuliser
11.30 am - 1.00 pm rest on breas (not forgetting all the other medication i am on)
1.15 pm - salbutamol nebuliser
1.30 pm - physio
2.30 pm - 3.00 - rest on breas
3.15 pm - dnase nebuliser
4.00 pm - physio
4.30 - evening - rest on breas.

Valentines

Valentines day - it's like marmite, you either love it or you hate it... and I LOVE IT!!

I'd been looking forward to Valentines day for days as I got to see my lovely man and spend sometime time with him. The plan was to get a pizza and a DVD, however in the day my lungs as usual decided to become rather uncooperative and be naughty as they do from time to time so I was not feeling too great, so I said to J that I probably won't be much conversation this night and would probably be spending most of the evening on the breas. I knew J didn't finish work until half seven so I thought I'd get in a quick session of physio and listen to my i-pod, so as I lay on my bed who should walk in with a beautiful rose in his hand? J! He'd left work early and was with me earlier than I had expected, he's so cute - he brought me a candle with hearts on it, a rose (see photo at top), a heart and crossbones keyring *quite punky*, Atonement on DVD, and he got me a really nice card - it's simple but gorgeous. We ate pizza and watched the film together and it was really nice to be in his company. When we usually settle down to watch a film together we don't usually watch the whole thing as we tend to talk but due to me not feeling so chatty we got to see the whole thing and I'm glad I did because Atonement is rather good.

I'm not feeling very well at the moment so am not going to post a huge post tonight, but i wanted to post something that happened today which has made me very smiley.

My mum and dad came to see me today which really lifted my mood, it sounds silly but you don't know my family, we all live together in the same house yet we hardly ever encounter each other except at evening meals, this is because my parents work different hours to each other, my brothers a teenage boy so his world at the moment is eating, sleeping, girls, laptop, girls and sleeping, so as you can imagine not much conversation comes those lips and I.. well I am in here most of the time so I can't spend as much time with my family as I'd like to. So when they called me early this morning to say they were on there way I replied with a rather shocked 'what now?' So when they arrived it was very nice to see them. My mum brought me clean pyjama's up and helped me with everything I needed help with, then we all sat down - we chatted and laughed about things, had some lunch together (well i had some toast - but they brought up their own packed lunches). Whilst having physio mum and dad went out to the kings road (holding hands might I add - which is rather strange to hear as my dad is not the affectionate type) and when they came back my mum came back with some goodies from lush.. my mum looked really happy and we were all really happy and even more happier that I am doing OK today. It's funny how situations bring you all closer isn't it!? I love my family with every piece of my heart and seeing my mum and dad happy together today really cheered me up - they cheered me up.

Reminiscing

I tend to think back to past events quite alot, I love photo's, I love talking about past memories and I love thinking about all the things I have done and experienced in my life so far, but recently I've been thinking about them alot more then usual - on down days memories can upset me up so much as when I think about all my friends going out without me it upsets me, i should be doing all the things they are doing, creating new memories with them like I use to be able to but after about 10 minutes the upset just turns into determination and I get hit with an adrenaline rush and it just makes me even more determine to be able to do that again and create new memories with them and all the other people in my life.

It's Valentine's day on Thursday and this is going to be somewhat different to last years, last year me and J went out for cocktails, then on to a restaurant for dinner and then to my house where I had candles and champagne waiting for us - this year I am in hospital and the plan is to watch a film and get a take-away so completely different but at least were spending it together.

On Friday I got allowed to go home but the doctors said they were going to hold onto my bed until Monday just as a back up. So my mum came to pick me up Friday afternoon and off we went on our journey home, we decided that as a treat we'd stop off at our local Harvester restaurant for some dinner as we had a full oxygen tank and I was feeling pretty well. My mum dropped me off by the entrance and went to park the car, I managed to walk up the 4 stairs and into the restaurant without getting overly out of breath and we sat down and had a really nice meal together, then went home and i got settled into my room and snuggled into my lovely soft bed which i had missed very much.

On Saturday I had a rather eventful day - In the morning I wasn't feeling too well so when my mum did my physio my oxygen saturation's decided to drop to low 60's which was very bad and I turn't blue, which was rather worrying and through out the day they never really went any higher then 85% I spoke to the doctor's through-out the day and they asked whether I felt like my saturation's were that low and I said no as I didn't feel anymore out of breath then normal.. I was so wrong, It was also my best friend Sammy-Jo's 21st birthday that night and I was determined to go as all my friends would be there and she is a special friend to me so I wanted to be there for her. I had a bath and that seemed to be more of a struggle then imagined, when it came to getting dressed I couldn't do it as my chest just felt really tight, as if it had just closed in on me not allowing any air to pass in or out it was very scary, my mum helped me get dressed, pulling up my tights, helping me in my top, skirt etc whilst i used the BREAS most of the time as this was the only thing that was keeping my saturation's above 90% and opening my airways. when we arrived at the party J carried me to the door and I attempted to walk in, it was such a struggle and it took up a lot of energy and i felt awful. The party was good and the birthday girl looked gorgeous but i would have enjoyed it more if i could breathe, i felt really bad on the people who were engaging in conversation with me as I couldn't concentrate on anything they were saying as all i was thinking about was every breathe i took and how much I could not breathe. I then said to my mum i can't stay anymore i need to go to hospital and off we went, James carried me to the car and i still couldn't breathe - even with oxygen whacked up to 4 litres. We arrived at the hospital at 10.30 - the Dr saw us straight away, i had a Ventolin nebuliser to open my airways, put back on the BREAS, chest x-ray, blood gases and blood tests - the doctor said I had another infection as my infection markers where higher then when I left and that it was a good decision to come straight back. My saturation's still haven't really picked up and this is causing the doctors concern but I have faith in my CF team and I'm sure they will get me sorted and on the mend soon.